Intro: A darkness inside

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Hi. My name Germán. I'm gay, or as I prefer to call myslef, I´m a homosexual. Yes, a H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L. I like to say it "big". It took me quite a long time to even say it to myself, so I like to say it as "large". I like to say it so as to imagine it's not bad. I've been out to myself for over 6 years now (I'm 23), and for the 17 previous years I pretty much had the idea it was a bad thing. Every day I wake up and tell myelf it's not bad, it's not wrong. I try to tell myelf and the world in everything I do that it's ok, that I'm ok. My homosexuality is only a part of everything I am as a whole, but it's a damn important part, and every day I strive to remembr that it's ok. That I'm ok. That we're all ok. And I keep repeating it, I keep repeating as the days go by, hoping someday I might just believe the lie (Fred Ebb).

I don't mean to sound tragic or sad. It's just a feeling I think many homosexuals share, at least those who had "conventional" upbringings. We think what we're doing is wrong (that we are wrong) and this is most commonly expressed as a grotesque self loathing that can take many forms, all of which are destructive on a personal level as well as to the homosexual community as a whole. I think the best way to combat this inherent self loathing is to admit it exists. So here it is. It exists. It's like a darkness that comes from inside, it surrounds and strangles and destroys us and all we hold dear. It's a darkness that lies inside and is projected out. We have to first admit the darkness exists if we ever plan to step out of these shadows. And I want out. I'm tired of hiding and being afraid of being "discovered". I'm tired of being afraid, period.

Well, a little about myself. I'm a 23 year old software engineer living in Mexico. I have some literary aspirations (I like writing), I love the theater, movies, reading and talking with friends about wonderful things that might have little or no importance or that might mean everything in the world. I love music (all kinds) and I'm a semi-professional bathroom singer. I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure what I want, what I need or what I have to do. I aspire to someday complete a Masters degree in my field, get formal training in writing and literature, get married and have a family. You know, just what everyone wants. . . right? Do I want too much? Hell no, I only want everything life has to offer me. I firmly believe these things are attainable this day and age and I also firmly believe they will be mine. Well, come to think of it I kind of do know what I want, the tricky part sort of comes down to how one goes about getting what one wants. I understand that plans tend to shatter under the constant pressure and inconsistency of time, but, hell, this is as good a start as any.



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