Nobody does it better (lions and tigers and bears)

Saturday, June 19, 2004

There is a topic I like to bring up when talking to close friends. It's sex. I enjoy shocking people by bringing it up, i'ts a terribly taboo subject (remember, I live in Mexico), which makes it all the more enjoyable to mention. It amazes me how people blush or make every effort to change the subject or turn it into a joke. Anything but deal with it straight up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely uninhibited myself, I do have some reservations (vestigial remains from my upbringing, of course) and only discuss it with close acquaintances. Still, I've realized that this should not be such a forbidden subject, there should be no reason to blush and turn away when it is brought up as conversation.

I think we´re sexual animals and it´s in our nature to think about sex, constantly. That's just how we are. Plain and simple. Is this bad? Of course not, sex is the reason we're on top, it's why we're the top species. Why are we like this? Some people would like to think that Mother Nature made us this way, but I beg to differ. Mother Nature, in my opinion, had nothing to do with it. It was all us. Mother Nature merely setup the rules, the playing rules: "Survival of the fittest". And what we did was play it better than anyone else. It all comes down to what one understands by "fit to survive". First of all, let's be frank: us humans beings in the beginning were not exactly that fit, especially in comparison to other species. Let's face it, we were pretty lame ass predators. We didn't have claws, no impressive set of teeth, we didn't even run that fast. We were basically only fit to hunt smaller weaker species (and of course, other humans). That doesn't sound very "fit to survive" to me. We were pretty much sitting ducks for other real predators, anatomically speaking (i.e. lions and tigers and bears). They basically munched on us all they wanted and kept our population down, sort of a balance. And this sucked for us, of course. But. . . we had (and still do) something all those larger and more ferocious predators did not (and still don't): we were sneaky. I don't mean intelligence per se, to be a successful predator you need at least some degree of intelligence. No, I'm talking about sneakiness. We built weapons and used them in place of talons and jaws. We made traps and poisons. We were sneakier than them. That's how we began to claw up the food chain. But as you can imagine, we were still sitting ducks in spite of our sneakiness, we were still no match for hungry larger predators and most likely often fell pray to their unending and monstrous appetite.

So. . . how did we do it? How did the human race rise up to fucking Mother Nature's challenge: "Survival of the fittest"? Simple. By fucking. Ourselves. Let me explain. We inevitably must have found it easier to hunt in packs and, even though people mus have been hell to live with back then (they sure as hell still are), it was just damn safer. In consequence, we were brought closer together. We formed clans and groups and such. And we were together for longer periods of time. So let's imagine this, prime evil man and prime evil woman, together, in prime reproductive age. Like some canadian twit yakked on the radio: "Can I make it any more obvious?". So there you have it, reproduction became much more simple to achieve. Nothing too romantic about it, but the conditions for massive reproduction appeared. What advantage did this give us? Well, I mean we're not the only species that hunts or lives in packs or clans. So this in itself did not give us an advantage. It basically boils down to the fornicating. Most animals have to be in heat to attract their mates, some use bright colors or notorious sounds and behaviour. But they have a breeedign time, a breeding season. Imagine what would happen if a species appeared on Earth that just wanted to fuck all the time? (Bunnies are under us in the food chain so they don't count). Well, you can imagine what happended: our population exploded. When the chance to fuck often came into our grasp, we obviously took advantage of it. Probably the reproductive act was not that enjoyable back then as it is now (especially for this poor cave girls that got banged on the head), but the point here is frequency, and of course that frequency was high considering the relatively large amount of pleasure that sexual intercourse brings to our bodies (especially for the dominant male of the species). There were probably humans who did not enjoy having sex that much or who had lower sex drives. Well, thanks to Mother Nature (as good old Darwin predicted), they most probably all initially died out. We are definitely descendants of the branch of the species that enjoyed having sex, the ones who had enjoyable orgasms and loved them and wanted to fornicate again and again. And that, darlings, is why we're on top. It was thanks to that inmensly pleasruable orgasmic feeling that most definitely is not the same for monkeys or lions or tigers or bears. And among those first humans who liked fornicating, the ones who had the most success were obviously those who during prime breeding age had their reproductive instincts in full gear. Precisely those first dominant males who thought of nothing but sex for a couple of years (i.e. puberty and early adulthood). So it's thanks to horny teenagers and horny young guys.

So what happened excatly? Well, noboby knows for sure, of course. But what is most likely is that our population began to grow. Surely disease and those nasty larger predators took their toll on our population, but still the fact that we were reproducing much more made those hornier human genes much more likely to survive, by sheer number. Mind you, I'm also talking about the branch of the species who felt satisfaction by having children and raising them. So, we began fucking and raising kids on a huge level and our population grew exponentially... until, my darlings, there were too fucking many of us. And that was it. It was done. It's not that hard to imagine. We outnumbered our predators and thanks to our sneaky weapons and hunting patterns, we knocked them off of their priviledged place in the food chain. It's the same way an enourmous grasshopper can be consumed by tiny ants. If there's enough of 'em. This is when we paved the way for more permanent settlements to flourish, whicn in turn gave way to civilizations. We eventually became much more than fucking machines. But I believe it's foolish and even contemptuous to try to deny or evade what essentially made us what we are today. Let's face it, uncontrolable horniness is one of the main reasons we're the top species now and why there aren't cities, ports, museums, shopping malls, movie theaters or parks full of jiraffes or dogs or monkeys or fucking lions or tigers or bears. I've chosen to celebaret it, to embrace it. We should not shy away from what made is great and what has brought us so much success as a sepcies: sex. It was sex that put us on top, and more specifically that "endless and insatiable, immoral and destructible and all consuming" monstrous appetite. (Steinman)

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