Breaking away

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

The other day my brother (twin brother) went back to his home (his new home). He had been visiting for the 4th of July weekend and it was time for him to leave. This has been a hard year for goodbyes for me. It’s hard to explain why. I just got out of college, my grandfather died (first close death in the family), I’m living away from my brother for the first time ever, I have no idea what to do with my life; there could be many causes. I just feel tears swell in my eyes and my throat gets all tense and sore, trying to hold back a sorrow that is very uncharacteristic in me, both for it’s unexpected nature and the profound melancholy it brings to the surface. And it happened again the other day as I was waving goodbye to my brother at the airport. I just wanted to cry out loud. I wanted to cry because my twin brother was leaving my side. I wanted to cry for my childhood, because it’s gone and because I’ve just only recently realized I’ll never have it back. I wanted to cry for the end of innocence and simplicity, long ago passed but never adequately mourned. I wanted to cry because never again will I share the same living space with my brother or a morning in our room or a lazy afternoon. I wanted to cry because now that I’m older (OLDER!) and death has touched my family, I understand how precious and fragile moments are “because that’s all life is, moments, as small as violets. I want to put them in a jar and save them forever” (Cruz). But I can’t. And that’s why I choose not to cry. I choose not to cry because I won’t always have someone there to lend a shoulder or offer any sympathy. I choose not to cry because I feel that I must be much stronger for the road ahead. I choose not to because I’m older now (OLDER!), and I can’t expect to wash away my problems with the salty sweet water that wants to pour down my cheeks. I choose not to because you can’t run away from what life throws at you, because I hope to someday share all my mornings with someone else, because I have to break away from what I most loved as a child in order to become an adult.

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