Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Here in London a lot of people prefer to bicycle to work. At the web development company where I'm working, almost all of the staff arrive on bike. One even takes his bike on the train, haha. Anyways, I think it's a great way to exercize and save on transportation, hehe, not to mention there are no monthly car payments and you're also helping the environment. BUT... I just don't imagine myself after a hard days work, fed up, tired, nagging... and still having to fuckign bike my way to my house. Screw that, honey! And now that teh weather is turning into shit here in Londontown, screw that over twice! Hahahaha. Although there was a time when you could see a lot of guys in their licra shorts... oh my.... hahaha.

Lord of the ring

Monday, October 11, 2004

Whilst I was visiting a friend before coming to London, we decided to go out to check out the local gay scene. We happened upon a bar/disco he had gone to before and it was quite nice. It so happened that on that very occasion they were having an amateur stripper contest and hosted by a drag queen (who sang quite well by the way). Me and my bud quickly got a good view even though our dance partners warned that usually the contestants weren't very stellar.

So, first off there was this guy from Toronto. Actually, he was quite good-looking, tall, blond hair, blue eyes... not a bad sight at all. But then, all of a sudden the music came on and he started taking off his clothes... WOW!!! He had this amazing body, oh man! We could hardly believe it. One of the guys who was with us even mentioned that eh had never seen such a hot guy in one of these competitions. I mean this guy was quite a sight, a regular Calvin Klein model-type, he was muscular but not bulky, he had those six-pack abs but they weren't too evident, man oh man... I think I'll skip any further description so as to not "raise" any expectations, hahaha. Anyways, he was REALLY hot. The other two contestants weren't really that bad either, but they were no contest for the moves, physical attributes and sheer sex appeal of the boiling hot Canadian (there's just something irressitible about a guy who's incredibly hot and carries himself as if he's just a regular guy.....*sigh*). So, this guy won (obviously), we danced, drank, etc, etc, etc. On the way home, we were chatting about what a hottie the winner had been and stuff, and one of the guys said he had seen that he was wearing a wedding ring. I instantly thought "Ohhhhhhhhhhh, he's married to a woman and strips at a gay bar.... how deliciously perverse". But then they guy explained: "Hello, he's from Toronto and he's gay and he's married.... get it?" Then suddenly it struck me.... SHIT! This guy wasn't a closeted gay man cheating on his wife and living a double life... he was *GASP* married to another MAN!!! LEGALLY!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I couldn't believe it. I mean we weren't sure in any way, but it was actually a possibility. There he was, Adonis major, strutting his stuff in front of us and dangling that little golden band in our faces! The nerve! The frustration! The agonyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! I WANTED ONE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I wanted the sheer power to flaunt my ring in front of dozens of single losers and be able to remind them of their pathetic un-marriedness and reduce them to ashes... all without even opening my mouth, just waving my hand. I finally realized what all those girls were after, what they had been in training for all their lives, why women in general are all so desperate to get married... it's for the damn ring! It's mystifying. I was all like "My preciousss, my preciouuuuuuuuuuussss! Give us the preciouuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssss!!!!", hahaha. Finally I understood what inspired Tolkien to write a trilogy of novels centered on the pursuit of a single shiny ring... the daily dilemma of every single woman!!! Hahahaha.

Ok, a little more seriously, this was quite a shock. I had never really considered gay marriage such a reality until that night. I mean I had heard it in the news, I had read about it, seen pictures, etc, etc, etc.... but it's all so different from actually SWITNESSING in with you own eyes. It caused quite an impression. What conclusion can I draw from this? Will the homosexual lifestyle drastically change now that the institution of marriage is a viable option (in some places)? Will young boys be brought up to look for good husbands? Will young men compete with each other for that most sought after golden treasure? I have no idea... but I certainly know I want one of my own. Cheers to that, mates...

The presidential elections are looming ever closer in the USA. I really can't understand why somebody would vote for Bush if not out of complete ignorance brought on by fear of a terrorist attack. I really really REALLY hope he gets the boot like Aznar did in Spain. I hope also Blair gets ousted from here in England also. They both deserve to go down in flames. Why somebody would rush to war, to killing, to atrocities is beyond me. But both these men did, with probably sinister reasons for doing so, and now they have no choice but to defend those pathetic reasons to go to war, and to me every day that goes by they look like greater fools for it.

Why the hell don't American and British people just say "Hey! There were no fucking WMD in Iraq, there wasn't even a threat of making them... you sent our sons to die for NOTHING! Did you hear that, NOTHING! I lost my son because of YOU! I WILL NOT VOTE FOR YOU!!!". Is this reasoning too hard to understand? Is the pain of this realization blinding people into denial? Sheesh... that's just my $0.02.

Oh boy, I had quite a night on Friday. Me and a friend went out on the town, and since I was still kinda frustrated about my whole visa thing, I wanted to get extra wasted.... well, let's just say I got my wish. MAN! I hadn't been so drunk in quite a while. I mean I got sick and started throwing up and everything (My heart goes out to the poor people on the bus who had to see me get all queasy and shit). When I got home I even phoned up my bf in Mexico and said God knows what to him... probably something along the lines of "I miss youuuuuuuuuuuu......... come homeeeeeeeeeeeeee..........I miss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.........WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!". Oh brother...

The next day I felt SOOOOO hungover... and it didn't go away until like 8pm! DAMN! I wanted to go see another show this weekend, but NO WAY, I just felt WAY too bad. It's Sunday now and I feel ok and everything, but I will sure think twice before I start drinking cider all night, haha. That sweet stuff always gets you in the end...

The return of the native (Pt. 1)

Ok, my bf's returning from Mexico this Tuesday. I hadn't gotten really excited until this weekend, hehe. I sure miss him a lot. Here's something I wrote to him after he left (over a month ago):

"I've been so busy and there are so many things to do in this magnificent city that I haven't even had time to miss you. The day you left, when I finally came home that night, I didn't even notice how your little room (our room, our little room where we were happy and where will shall be happy again, someday) felt so large and so empty without you to share it with. I didn't notice that night that I didm't have your warmth to shield me from the cool night air (it's suddenly felt so cold since you left), it never even ocurred to me that your body was missing from my side (your body, with which I dream and which I conjure up from my mind in my moments of highest carnal satisfaction, an altar on which I offer my love and desire and passion and the only other thing I really trully worship in a hundred different ways every day, with my eyes which followed it like slaves, with my breath which warmed it, with my touch which calmed and excited it, as it so often did me), and I still insist it was a vague dream in which on that night you left I walked out on to your terrace and into the chilly night air, out into the vast and menacing night sky, making a silent plea for it to guard you in it's large arms and give you safe passage. I told the moon I wouldn't count the days for when you would return home (because if you think you are travelling home, to the land you're from, you're a fool. You're home is with me, in my arms, this is where you're from, you and me, this is were you originate and feel wary for when you'r tired of roaming. I am your're home, as you are mine, and you won't be there until you return to me, for I curse and damn you every moment for leaving my side, because to me you have no business being anyhwre else, even though you're not really mine and I can't hold on to you and I yell it all out at the moon on chilly nights when you leave on a jet plane).

Of course, none of this happened, none of it. I don't miss expecting your daily arrival from work, treating you to food and a welcoming kiss; I don't miss the excitement of preparing a meal for you only to silently beg for you to like it, I don't miss making love and hugging your naked shoulders when were ready to go to sleep. I don't miss any of this at all. I'm fine without you. Please come home."

This is one of the most frustrating days I've thus had so far in the UK. As I am FINALLY ready to send in my full visa application I find out that the damn immigration rules changed October 1st (YES< A FUCKING WEEK AGO!) and that you can no longer change your visa status from tourist (me) to student (I wish I was). FUCK!!! I was so distraught by this that when I got to work I just couldn't do anything for like 15min..... I mean it was just so unbelievable that after all the damn papers I had sent to me from home, by mail and fax, and all the time I waited to get paid to have enough money for the damn application, and now THIS! GEEZ! Somebody up there just does NOT want me to do this.

I had wanted to get the visa because as a student you can legally work part time in the UK, even though everybody works more than that, haha. Anyways, here I go trying to do everything the legal and safe way, but NOOOooooOOOOoooOOOOooo.... bureaucracy got me in the end.

Anyways, after reflecting on my life and repeating my new motto to myself many many times ("Nothing really matters, nothing really matters"), I realized that this was by no means the end of the world (that would be Bush getting re-elected, duh). I could apply for the fucking visa from home when I travel there in December and I can come back with no problem in January, I have a job (actually two) as a web developer and an engineer that pay a whole fucking lot more than the jobs my visa-totting classmates have, and generally I've been doing ok as an illegal (which was my original plan anyways... see previous post). So, in a way, I'm back to my original plan, at least for now, and things are not that bad. Also, the application costs £35 in my home country versus £250 here... so this actually sort of has a bright side, haha. I can't fucking wait for my bf to come back and hear this, he will go ballistic and chant "I told you so" till kingdom come..... oh, but I sure miss him.... hahaha.

Your thoughts....

Hello all, I'm inviting anyone who is interested to post something on the nifty new tagboard I put up the other day. Just like me, you can use this place to express whatever it inspires in you. Just don't be nasty... well, not too nasty, ok?

See you.

Dammit, I had everything ready for my damn visa application and was already checking train times to arrive early at the office when I suddenly discover that the government is testing a new appointments system and that even though they are still taking applications from people without appointments, priority is given to people who called ahead. DAMN!!! Why didn't anybody tell me this earlier?!?!?! I actually called a number that was supposed to be the appointment line but got a taxi cab service instead, so I brushed it off. DAMMIT! I hate bureaucracy!!!

Well, anyways, I'll just call tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment on Friday. If the next appointment is a long time away then I'll take my chances and take a day off work to go there... I HATE THIS SHIT!!!


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

When I walk to work int he morning I always pass by this primary school and kindergarten. Whenever I'm a little early (just before 9am) I get to see the kids arriving for class. It's so cute to see the children in there little hats and coats (even though it brings back traumatic memories of being hurled into my first instances of social interaction).

Anyways, this spectacle of mothers taking their children to school is very sweet and touching. But the other day as I was doing my usual rounds, I saw this man peering into one of the classrooms from the gate. It was quite an odd sight, first of all because it's mostly the mother hens who take their chics to school, and secondly because he was just gazing at the classroom from outside the damn school. I'm not sure if it was a father trying to see how his child interacted without him, if it was a pedophile searching out for his next victim... or maybe if it was a divorced father trying to steal a look at a son or daughter that had been taken away from him.

It was kind of a sad but interesting sight. It reminded me of how important children are in one's life (once one has them). My bf has often talked about the genetic origins of parenthood, how it's simply manifestation of the desire to spread one's own genes, and therefore everything we do for them (worry, spend like crazy, overprotect, fight, yell, etc) is for that sole purpose. It's certainly is an interesting way of seeing it (but don't tell him I said so, haha).

I guess maybe that's why an improper father or mother is so appalling, it's basically unnatural, it's grotesque, it's contrary to basic common sense and evolution. I someday wish to have my own kids. I'm gay and I know it will be difficult (and maybe even very costly), but I am determined to do this. Adoption is not my first option, but if there is no other way I will gladly give a child a home and an education. I hope to contribute to the end of ignorance in this world by passing on my ideas and life lessons to my own offspring (or adopted kids). I think life has no meaning if all your own personal human experience does not go beyond yourself. It's just illogical. Children are a way for you to try to improve the world based on your own memories and lessons and lifetime. That's why I want kids. Oh, and I think the little baby clothes are just TOO cute! HAHAHAHA.

Today I came to terms with the fact that I'm resented. I'm angry at my boyfrind. I had kidn of downplayed it a bit (WHY do I keeo doing that with him?!?!?!), but I finally accepted that I've foudn his behaviour is upsetting me (and he isn't even in this continent at the moment).

He didn't call me for my birthday. True, we had kind fo a fight over the phone the Friday before my B-day, but by Sunday I think he should have gotten over it and at least fucking called me (he had been calling me quite frequently for less important stuff, and even though he wasn't at home that weekend and sent me an e-mail two days earlier after our fight, I GOT PISSED!).

I honestly felt that for previous birthdays (I've known him for 5 years, and he's been my on and off bf for 4.5 of those years) when we weren't even an official couple he had given me warmer and nicer birthday greetings. Now, that we're fucking going out and all, NOTHING! I think it's understandable that I be upset. I actually called HIM the next day to vent, he sarted excusing himself... he had been annoyed with me after our fight and decided that we needed soem cooling time... so calling me ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY seemed like a good idea... that's my bf's brilliant reasoning for you.

Anyways, I decided not to get too upset over the matter. But now all the anger is coming back. And it's not just the birthday stuff. It's something else. Something that hurt much more than that. I'm not sure if I'm ready to write about this yet, but I do want to (it's therapeutic) and will do so when I'm ready. This saga has quite some more chapters left, and I haven't exaclty been on my best behaviour either. I'm actually a little worried. Oh boy... Happy Birthday to me.

Jerry! Jerry!... a review

Well, since the damn tickets to see "Sweeny Todd" ran out at TKTS (damn those cheap Sondheim fans!) me and a friend decided to see "Jerry Springer: The Opera". He had already seen it (together with my bf whilst I was not in London yet), but said he'd gladly see it again, so off we went. I had heard some positive things about the show and since it had won all the major "theatre" awards in London, I was quiet anxious to take it in.

Anyways, the overture began and it was quite impressive to hear this huge chorus made up of the live studio audience that always was such an integral part of the Jerry Springer show. From then on it just got better. This show was absolutely mind blowing! Hahahaha. Ok, ok, it wasn't THAT good, but it was quite a fun time at the theatre. It's in fact a bona fide opera with high notes and huge voices, but also with a few show tune-type songs mushed in (which end up being the most memorable). You see some typical Springer guests like the cheating husband, the fiancée with a weird fetish, the fat chick who wants to be a stripper (her number is worth the price of admission alone!) and the first act ender which is an ensemble Klu Klux Klan dance number. It's hilarious and quiet a fun score at that. The second act is a lot more ambitious, it takes place in hell and has Satan and God as guests, as well as an array of other religious figures (Christian that is). It's also quite a riot, but honestly not as inspired as the first act. Anyways, towards the end all is forgiven (you'll see why) and you just leave with a huge grin on your face (and maybe humming a tune or two)... that is if you weren't completely appalled by the decadent themes addressed in the show or completely insulted by the mockery of your faith. It's very funny, shocking and a treat to hear (I've always found operatic singing exciting). If you're of open mind and game for just about anything, this will be a memorable night.

P.S. If you've never seen the Jerry Springer show, well, you might not appreciate this show that much, but you'll still find it outrageous and funny. Sometimes the lyrics are a little hard to understand (operatic singing is not the most understandable thing in the world), but hang in there and you'll get the hang of it eventually, hehe (it definitely helps to go with someone who's seen it already, ha!). Oh, and if you're 25 or younger you get half price tickets if you purchase them at least 7 days in advance! Cheers!

"Blood Brothers" review

Friday, October 01, 2004

Speaking of theater, last week was my birthday (Yeap, I'm 24 now, wow), anyways, a friend took me to see this musical called "Blood Brothers". I had heard some good things about it and since it's been running for like 13 years here in London's West End, I was expecting something interesting. Anyways, theshow started and by intermission me and my friend were almost in shock at just how BAD the show was. DAMN! We couldn't believe it! I mean it was bordering on hilarious! HAHAHAHA! We naively thought it would get better in the second act, but of course it didn't! hahaha, it just got MORE melodramatic and silly. Let me try to explain...

At first the music was ok (some synthesizers sounds were kind of odd, but all in all alright)... then it just degenerated into what my frind called "A cheap porn soundtrack from the 80's". Even thought like 2 or 3 songs wer ok, the arrangements were really tacky. Then the show has this narrator/"Greek chorus" character that is rather odd, then he keeps on singing the same damn song for like 75% of the show, it gets REALLY annoying. And then the mother also sort of steps into the narrator role, so he is kind of left out at times, it's silly. Then they do this thing in which the adult actors play their characters from the time their 8 yrs old, and at the beginning it's kind of funny and quirky, but eventually you grow tired of it because they're like 18 and they still talk with the same squeaky voice! Hahahaha. You also figure they'll grow up, but when you reach the half of the second act and they're still fucking kids it's starts to get a little tiring. And the production goes for so many cheap laughs (silly and dumb jokes that have nothing to do with the show, like emphasizing how a single actor plays many parts and juts plain idiotic kid stuff), it's discouraging. And the melodrama.... GEEZ! It just gets so bad it's pathetic!(And very very funny, we soon realized there was another group of people giggling as well, hahaha). They completely over use the synthesizers to emphasize the dramatic moments that it takes no time for it to become too cheesy, hahaha. And then the climax of the whole "tragedy" is just so badly staged and stupid it's almost incoherent. The real tragedy is the book of the show (and most of the score). Actually, the absolutely last number is quite touching and effective, but after all you've been put through it just isn't enough. We actually saw this lady crying at the end and we just burst into laughter, hahaha. It's a really bad show but it just gives you LOADS of material to laugh at, it's great. But still, I don't recommend it, at all. You want good musical tragedy? Go see "Sweeney Todd"! I plan to this week... tell ya all about it.

By the way, if you haven't inferred it yet, I'm a total show queen. It's so obvious it's almost sad, haha. I really enjoy the performing arts in general, but I just LOVE theater especially. I'm a total movie freak also, but there' just something about live theater that you can't get on film... it's like a rush.

Anyways, like any decent show queen I absolutely adore musicals. I don't know how to explain it, I mean music just heightens reality and makes everything just mean so much more, it's exhilarating. I'm also a huge straight play fan as well, there's nothing like a good play to stir up emotions and some good debate. Some favorite musicals are "Chicago", "Phantom of the Opera", ANYTHING by Sondheim, "Evita", "Cabaret", "Dreamgirls", "Rent", etc, etc etc. Some great plays I've seen are "Proof", "Three Tall Women", "The woman in black", "The house of Bernarda Alba", "Democracy", etc.

That's one of the reasons I LOVE London. There's always tons of plays and musicals to see, and often at very good prices (at least relative to NYC). London, cheers to you!

Thoroughly Modern Milling

Ok, ok, ok... I have to keep repeating this to myself: "I am smarter than the milling machine! I am smarter than the milling machine! I am smarter than it, that's why I use the milling machine to mill pieces for the robotic hand... if the milling machine were smarter, it would mill me..." Yet, for some reason, i feel exactly like that is what's happening... IT'S MILLING MY SELF ESTEEM!!! DAMMIT! There is this one part that has to be milled on both sides that I have already done 6 fucking times!!! And not a single time right!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (In all fairness, two of the times it was due to external malfunctions though). Luckily that material ran out (my fault) and I'm not going to try again until the new shipment of it arrives next week... I have to take this time and focus, focus, focus...