Decisions, decisions...

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Well, while I was "gone", I fell into a deep depression. Sure, the "incident" had a lot to do with it. But also my bf came into the equation.

In spite of initially being quite supportive of me, there came a moment early on when he seemed suddenly not as supportive as I would have wanted (i.e. being judgmental and cold, after me having explicitly asked him not to be). I was in an extremely vulnerable situation and I felt like his attitude was not only jerk/asshole territory, but that he was being extremely insensitive, falling into cruelty. This is when I figured my relationship was beginning to fall apart. And it made me feel very sad. Up until that point I had felt that this guy was THE GUY. I mean I honestly believed that he was it and there would be no other person in my life.

What do I think now that some time has passed? Well, I feel better with myself and I'm no longer angry at him. Before, the mere thought of breaking up with him just killed me . Now, I'm no longer afraid, and I think that makes me a stronger more objective person. I'm still very afraid of making a decision out of sentiment and not using my reason... and that I'll regret it. But that's what life's about, making choices. What do I want? What do I have? What do I need?.... decisions, decisions, decisions...

I think that regret is an inherent part of life. The only way to avoid it is to not do anything at all (my brother reminded me of this). Which is certainly not a good idea. I think you have to make hard choices (as opposed to shying away from them). And I feel prepared to make my own...

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