Epilogue (pt. 5)

Friday, September 23, 2005

Do you want to know what A stands for in this story? It means Angel. Because this guy is so full of an innocence and purity I recognize so much from an earlier version of myself it almost brings me to tears (yes, even after all these years). He handed me his heart, without restrictions, without fear or shame or anything else. It was “just a boy asking another boy to love him”. He won me over, in that moment. Yes, a little after “Hello”, I admit. But he won me over just the same. He’s my angel.

But I sometimes do wonder if an angel could break my heart. And I think we might have rushed into something in the heat of the moment. I’ve talked to A pretty much all week long, and, well, the truth is that we’re barely really getting to know each other. We laugh and talk about our childhoods and our school years and such; about past heartbreak and joy; favorite movies and horrible ones; this and that. The truth is that I really like this guy. The problem is we don’t live in the same city (or country!).

For now we’ve decided to take things slow and not put too much pressure on each other, which is a huge relief. After the “honeymoon” ended and I came back down to Earth, well, I started to have my doubts. And I started to feel pressured into something I didn’t really think through. So thankfully I brought it up the other day and we both felt a lot better after discussing this.

Of course I’m happy, I think about him all the time; I summon up his presence from memory and imagine I can touch him; I summon his smell and the feeling of his warm skin. But who can hold on to a memory? We’re going to see each other again at the end of October, so for now we’ll just concentrate on that and see how it goes.

I remember even recently telling a close friend how long distance wouldn’t work. I don’t know, I guess that was a fruitless plea so that, somehow, he wouldn’t get hurt. Maybe it was pretentious and foolish of me to even try. How can you stop someone from getting hurt? Only if you stop them from feeling, I guess. Love and pain are part of the human spectrum. Trying to eliminate any one of them is like trying to stop seeing the color violet while still wanting to see the color red.

I also suddenly remembered that old Germy is pretty strong after all. I remembered that I’ve been through some tough times myself, and I’ve made it through. And I’ll make it through this. I felt so fragile at the beginning of the week; I felt I needed A or I would fall apart into pieces. Thank God that passed. This whole experience has made me think a lot about what it is I really want, and how I plan to get it. Oh well, till October then…


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