Dilemma or "When love is inside you"

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Ok. I've come to a dilemma. Ok, sort of.

I saw Corpse Bride the other day. In Spanish. YUCK. Anyways, it was cute and sweet, and the animation was top-notch. Still, I liked The nightmare before Christmas a lo better. This one seemed way too simple and way too predictable. And the songs sucked (in Spanish at least). Also, I was in no mood to see a romatic movie. I was a little depressed. Yes, these things happen when love is inside you. But let me elaborate.

When I started my relationship with A, well, it was under the pretense that I was going to look for a job in his far away city. My brother also lives there, so it was a no-brainer for me. Move in with bf, live near brother, happy happy, joy joy.

But... well, Germy got to thinking. Yes, I know, I hate it when that happens. But sometimes it's necessary. After I returned from the trip in which I started my relationship with A, I found myself thinking about my future. With him, yes. But also my future in general. I began to see that there were some inconsistencies in my behavior. I was actively looking for another job, but at the same time I realized that the job I currently have was actually pretty good. I know, the money could be better, the benefits could be a lot better, and the city sure could be a hell of a lot better. But the work fascinates me, it challenges me, it makes me want to learn more. There are several huge projects on the horizon and they excite me very much, and I very much want to be a part of them. I think I have the chance to be a part of something that could turn into a big success. Or maybe it could fail. But even so, the ride will be thrilling. And definitely worth while. I know it will be hard to find another opportunity like this one.

I really do like A. I think he's a wonderful guy. Sweet, emotionally sincere in every way, caring, generous, a true Angel. My Angel. But... well, I'm not sure I want to make any big decisions based on a relationship right now. I think I have to put me and my interests first this time around. I'm not at a point in my life anymore where I can just give up everything for a guy. My carrer is actually going somewhere.

Yes, sure, Germy would love to get the chance to move away from this country. It's a love-hate relationship I have with Mexico. I love it so much, and I can't stand it so much at the same time. Like Carlos Fuentes said, it's only by giving someone both your love and your hate that you actually give them everything.

I just don't imagine me being able to raise my family here. I couldn't bare exposing my children to hate and intolerance. Having two dads would be quite notorious here. Maybe things will change by then. Things change, even here. But I'm not going to plan on them changing. I'm going to plan on running away. As much as I hate the thought of it, I think it's something I must do. I don't believe in running away from your troubles; i think that when you run away from something, you will inevitably find it again (or rather, it will find you). I'm prepared for this. And I accept the responsibility for my (future) actions. Of course I'll come back. I've never been too happy being away too long. When? I don't know. But I shall return.

And, well, here's the real kicker. I do like A a lot; I mea I really really do. He's wonderful. But, well. Umm. I don't like him that much. Ok, I said it. I'm a fucking terrible boyfriend. A horrid person. But insincere, I'm not. I'd love to go out with him more, get to know him more. But I don't like him enough to change my whole world. I've done that before, and it was because I really liked the guy. Sure, it turned out rather badly, but I'm not afraid of that; I survided, my career survived. I'm not scared of jumping in the void.

And I'm going to tell him about all this. Tonight (ok, sans the part of not liking him that much). Wish me luck.

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