So, I told him

Monday, October 24, 2005

Ok, I finally told A about my feelings. More or less.

It was just killing me to suddenly talk about our future together, knowing how uncertain that future was. So when he said “When you get over here, we’ll cuddle up and see movies on my couch” I said “Well, speaking of that, we need to talk”. And that evening we did.

As it turns out, he had similar feelings. He told me he sometimes wondered when, if ever, I’d head over there to be with him. Good question. I haven't really been looking for anything; he's the one who's sent out my CV to his buds, but so far no dice. In MTY I'm gonna hook up with some people from a huge e-commerce company, and see how that goes. But still, our future hangs on this, and that doesn't make me too comfortable. And I let him know that.

Another option I have is just packing up and heading on over to his place. He offered to give me room and board until I found a job. Which was incredibly sweet in true A fashion. But, well, I told him I wasn’t willing to do that. Yeap, I was an asshole. But a sincere asshole, at that. I told him I actually liked my job and I was content with the way my career was going. The only way I’d leave is if a better opportunity came along in my own area of expertise. But I wouldn’t jump into the void for a relationship. Again.

I told him that it wasn’t that I was afraid. I had done it once already (left everything to go live with a guy) and even though things hadn’t turned out, I had survived and so had my career. I was still young and still had a chance to do it again. But I didn’t want to. Least of all with someone I’ve been going out with for only a month (and LONG-DISTANCE!)… ok, I didn’t tell him this very last part, but I think he caught my drift.

We also established a firm deadline. I know, I hate this approach, but it's just so much more reasonable. We said we'd talk about our future again at Christmas. I might take a weekend off to see him, so that will be a perfect opportunity. I guess we'll both know by then if this will work or not. I don't know. I mean I sort of feel I'm holding back a little. And I don't like that. I feel I'm holding back with my feelings, keeping a little on the safe side. And it sucks.

You know, on a very different note, as time has gone by, well, I’ve sort of realized that, even though A is a sweetheart, there are some things that suddenly don't convince me of him as my boyfriend. The charm, sweetness, cuteness and tenderness departments are all fine with him. But, well, I don’t know, maybe the personality department isn’t all it could be. I mean he’s smart and all… but… well… he’s… um… ok, he’s not geeky enough. There, I said it. I LOVE geeks. I’m sorry. It's just that I’m always attracted by knowledge, I don’t know, it’s a weird fetish of mine. A mate of mine has to posses knowledge that is somehow foreign to me; it makes them ever the more attractive. I’m an information sponge, so I just soak this stuff up. My current bf A is, well, not that full of new info for me. Sure, it’s been wonderful getting to know him, that’s always fun. But, well, I don’t know. I just feel that there’s something missing in our chemistry, in our conversations.

Like when I saw “Hotel Rwanda” with some friends here, I so wanted to discuss the ridiculous roots of the ethnic hatred between Rwandan Tutsis and Hutus, the ethics behind international intervention in foreign civil battles by global superpowers, the effects of European colonization in a post-colonial Africa, etc, etc, etc… but, well, I don’t know, I felt like it wasn’t the best opportunity. And that sucks.

Anyways, A and me decided to put these stressful feelings aside for one weekend and fuck like bunnies. Amen to that! =D


  • At October 25, 2005 11:15 AM, Blogger psesito said…

    The geek part is so important in a relationship -- moreover if you are a geek too.

    The point is to be amazed every day by his knowledge, imagination, commitment, or compulsive behavior to improve; and in the meantime be challenged by his questions or thoughts.

    Oh yes.

  • At October 25, 2005 12:07 PM, Blogger DramaKing said…

    I know, I know. You'd think I would have learned this by now...


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