It only takes a moment or Inside-Outside

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Adam Guettel calls it a Dividing Day; when you realize things aren't going to work out in a relationship and you begin to pull away. I don't think you need a whole day. I think it's just a moment. A dividing moment, if you will.

It's happened to me enough times for me to recognize it instantly. Germy has always been one to look ahead and plan for the future, it's my instinct. When there comes a moment when that future suddenly seems uncertain, well, I react.

Whilst in a relationship, it does take some effort on my part to open up a bit emotionally. Yes, Germy is quite outspoken about his feelings on the Internet, but not so much in person and with my bf. It takes time and work, but, when love is inside me, I eventually let someone inside. And it's just us two, and everyone else is outside; and that's wonderful. But when the "dividing moment" comes, I immediately begin to close up. Call it a defense mechanism, call it mental illness, call it whatever you want. It just happens that way with me.

The guy, who I once let inside my thoughts and desires and inner workings of my heart, is suddenly seen as another outsider. He's given the boot. And it's a traumatic transition in many ways. But when it's all over, I feel the better for it. Don't I mourn the loss of closeness? The loss of intimacy? Of course I do. But Germy has grown quite resourceful, and he'll be fine, he'll live. He always does. For what is the alternative?

Though truly happy, you must beware,
for happiness can also scar...

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