A step too far?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

How do I feel about A right now? It's complicated.

On one hand, I really don't see our relationship going any further than Christmas. I don't want to look for another job. I want to stay here, at least for the time being. And that's about it. I don't want to be in an indefinitely-separated long-distance relationship. That would just suck. I'd rather be single. Sure, A talks about waiting for me, he even mentioned waiting past Christmas (which we agreed was our limit). And it makes me uneasy. I don’t want to hurt him. More importantly, I don't want to hurt me either.

On the other hand... oh... after our trip to MTY together, he really grew on me again. I could almost have sworn I had already had one of my patented Germy dividing moments (which I'll explain in a later post), and I thought we were doomed. But, after spending more time with him (other than the initial day we spent together after we met), well... he just grew on me. He told me he loved me, again. He told me, quite verbatim, "You know, I really like you a lot. I feel safe with you", as his eyes welled up with tears. Mine did too. He won me over, yet again. Even when we had that really sad moment when his friend's father passed away, we comforted him together, and each other, and made each other stronger. And something I really like about him is he doesn't like making me feel bad about myself. I know, that sounds really loserish, but I put up with it for a long time. No more.

But the dynamics of the relationship don't convince me completely. Fist of all, I thought he wasn’t geeky or cultured enough for me. After talking about this to Psesito, I realized I sounded like a fucking stuck-up and elitist asshole. So I decided that's not a good reason. Then you have the "security" factor. Of course it's nice to have someone thank you for taking care of them. But who's gonna take care of me? Germy usually likes the dynamic of being the younger less-experienced part of the relationship. I think this role is more fun and more comfortable. And maybe that's wrong in itself. Maybe I must mature and take on this more adult role A is asking of me. Of course I like him, and I like taking care of him and bossing him around and taking, in general, a dominant role. But what about when I tire?

And, now this is even more serious, I think we have a slight problem of physical incompatibility. I just can't put my finger on it, but A doesn't completely do it for me, physically. It's nothing to do with his weight, he looks pretty good right now. I dunno, I think it's his pale white skin. I mean he can turn me on... he just doesn't ignite me so easily. And this is problematic. Seriously. I guess he suffers from comparison to that other guy. How can you forget the person you learned to have sex with? How can you not compare him to everyone after him? His light brown skin still haunts my memories and fantasies. Irrelevant? I would think so. But maybe not.

I'm not sure I want to take another step with A. It could make breaking up a lot harder and more painful. I think, up to a certain point, falling in love with someone is a conscious decision; you can decide to fall, or not. In spite of any doubts I may have, I feel I'm at that point right now (or very near it, at least). When falling for that other guy, I realized he also had many faults and oddities (both emotional and physical), but I ended up loving them all; after all, they made him who he was. I'm not sure I want to do tat again. Any step I take now could end up being a step too far.

Love like you've never been hurt.
Who the hell said a fucking stupid thing like that?

2 Comments:

  • At November 14, 2005 7:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I wish you strength and courage. I very much enjoy reading your blog. I hope for the best for you, and may whatever you choose bring you happiness. So don't compromise it and be a pawn to old fears.

    Shalom

    -N-

     
  • At November 14, 2005 10:09 AM, Blogger DramaKing said…

    Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... that was INCREDIBLY sweet!!! Thank you friend, your kind words of support are greatly appreciated!

    -Germy

     

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