Again (and a dark confession)

Friday, October 13, 2006

The other day, a friend sent me the following news headline via IM:

"Airplane crashes into NYC building".

Jesus-fucking-Christ. I swear my heart stood still and I immediately was transported back to that day when the entire world changed. That strange combined feeling of awe and fear and disbelief and just plain amazment. It all came back in that second it took me to open the link. But it was so much worse because now I was in this fucking war-loving country and therefore felt much less safe. Geez. "Oh no. Not again. Not again. Not again".

Anyways, it turned out to be a false-alarm (only 2 people died? That's nothin'!). The Yankees sadly lost a pitcher, but everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

Yet I have to admit that in a deep, dark part of my heart, another feeling returned from that blackest of days. A feeling of satisfaction, of justice. A feeling that the biggest bullies in the world were actually as vulnerable as the rest of us. A sign that the giant was not made of stone and could actually bleed too. This dark shameful feeling also came rushing back. So with this confession I've made you a witness to the dark, twisted thoughts the mind and heart can sometimes conjure up. And in a way we're now accomplices. You and me.

Yes, it's 2am and I need to get to sleep.

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