I know a boy

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I was talking with a friend the other day on the phone. Let's call this friend Psesito. Oops, that's his real name. Sorry, I'm sooooo bad at discretion. Anyways, we were chatting about him visiting his boyfriend in California (was I not supposed to say you were gay? I always get mixed up... anyways, sorry in advance... again... hehe). I actually met his boyfriend, M, back in July here in Seattle. This kid was genuinely a very sweet guy, his lesbian friends were wickedly cool, but this boy was just plain nice. I really wanted to find something to dislike about him (resentment comes so naturally to me), but I just couldn't. Yes, he's that type of boy. The point is M and P were both really happy. Until M moved away to California, for academic purposes.

 

They're in a long distance relationship now (yes, I told him not to, but what do I know). P went to visit M last week and had mixed feelings about the trip. It seems P wants to go to the next level with the relationship, and M was hesitant. God, this is why I hate trusting other people with my feelings. I remember once asking a boy to take things further, and I also remember him telling me no and how it broke my heart to pieces. Yes, that episode in my life lead to much emotional growth, but even trying to remember what it felt like, which I did when P told me his story, brought back so much hurt I just shut it out. I was so naive and foolish back then. I thought "holding a hand was like holding a heart", which isn't so. You can never be sure about the impression you have on other people's lives, you can only hope it's meaningful. 

 

Anyways, I just want to say that I think it was enormously brave of P to ask M, point-blank, about their relationship. It's especially hard to ask those tough questions, especially when you're not sure about the answers. P and M have lots more to talk about and they're probably finding out that sometimes love just isn't enough by itself. You somehow also need time and circumstance (as if just getting love wasn't hard enough). I totally told P to dump M. I know, how cynical is that? Anyways, I guess it's just my instinct. When things look shaky, I cut and run. It's harder to get hurt that way. Maybe it's the wrong thing to do. Maybe it's right. It's just what Germy does. And so far, I've lived to tell about it. And I've also been of the philosophy of "If you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you, it was meant to be. If it doesn't, look for a better guy, hello". P says he'll stand by M. As always, I wish him luck.

 

Thinking about M and P's predicament, I reflected on my own current situation. Right now I have no real relationship with The Ex. We get together sporadically and have lots of sex and cuddle and talk. I have a wonderful time with him, I really think he's my mate. Does he think I'm his mate? I'm not completely sure. When I'm with him, I'm sure he loves me very much. When we're having sex, I'm sure he's missed me terribly. But those moments are few and far between. And so far his feelings for me have never been enough to actually inspire him to do anything to bring us together (he lives in London, I in Seattle, remember?). Isn't there a contradiction there? Clever readers will say "Yes".

 

In these last few months, our contact has intensified. We've seen each other more often, we've talked on the phone a lot more. My brother has even asked me repeatedly is we're back together. And the truth is we're not. I just haven't given it much thought. I've purposely been dedicating a lot of time to work and my new life here than to anything remotely related to relationship stuff. I have gotten the urge to look for someone new, but my closer communication with The Ex has sort of distracted me from that. Is it fair? Of course not. Now I know why I didn't want to think about this.

 

Will I wait for you? Of course I will. But wait for what? Should I be braver than I am and ask him? "What is it that I would be waiting for" I'm seeing him in 10 days. It would be a perfect opportunity. Will I be too scared? Maybe. Especially if I already know what his answer will be. Maybe it will set me free.

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